I've spent the day in my
pajamas underwear birthday suit doing little errands reading nothing.
I wish El Monte were more entertaining.
And that my kitchen wasn't so far away.
...I'm just a fool learning loving someone doesn't make them love you...
...Please ignore the next few lines 'cuase they're directed at you
I can't always be waiting, waiting on you...
...I've had enough mystery
Keep building me up, then shooting me down
Well, I'm already down
Just wait a minute
Just sitting, waiting...
Well, if I was in your position
I'd put down all my ammunition
I'd wonder why it'd taken me so long
But Lord knows that I'm not you...
...Waiting on love ain't so easy to do...
...Here in town you can tell she's been down for a while
But, my G-d, it's so beautiful when the girl smiles
Wanna hold her, maybe I'll just sing about it...
Maybe I'll be the one to grow old with you
But I can't always be waiting, waiting on you
I can't always be playing, playing your fool.
Intersting how everytime I have relationship drama, my posts get cryptic, vague, and very brief. They always center on the task at hand.
This weekend was FANTASTIC. I went out every night, and with the exception of an hour, didn't set foot in a club or bar. Friday night, I had sushi with Cerebrophile GrrL, then headed up the street to see Emotionally Unavailable Musician Chick's show with Athletic Trainer Dyke. We sat in the very front show, and even though I caught her eye a few times, Emotionally Unavailable Musician Chick didn't recognize me (it HAS been three years, and my hair's no longer 1 1/2" long and bright orange. I also don't have a bunch of piercings in my face), but she was happy to see me when I jogged her memory after the show. I think I made a fan out of Athletic Trainer Dyke in the process, though.
Saturday, I went to the downtown public library, which is BEAUTIFUL, and buried myself in psychoanalytical and self-help books to get my shit together. I've never tried them. We'll see if they bring on emotional enlightenment. If not, well... I haven't gotten that far yet. Afterwards, I had dinner with Athletic Trainer Dyke, then we headed to Cali Butch Dyke's (Cali Trans Boy's twin sister) daughter's school play. It was adorable. And exhausting. I crashed at Athletic Trainer Dyke's house, and Sunday I headed off early to the Rose Bowl for the flea market. I didn't find a 3 foot ceramic tiger statue like I was hoping to, but I did find a metal "Women in Prison" pulp comic sign, a beautiful new orchid plant, and a yummy cookbook.
It was a fulfilling weekend. I've spent most of this week registering my car, and trying to convince Cerebrophile GrrL that we should have a pizza party, as I have all the fixings. Due to her busy schedule this week, however, she doesn't have time for me, so I might just try to convince Tall Motorcycle Babe that we should do a pizza party at her place, since she has a pizza stone or two, and I owe her a birthday dinner.
PS-I have a new phone number. Call me. Unless I don't like you. Then, well...don't call me.
Some days I feel like my heart's lodged in my chest.
It must be because it was stuck to the bottom of my shoe when I shoved that down my throat.
Get a Grip, Girl. Get a muthafuckin' grip.
"My feet shuffle on the February ground
I talk to strangers in bars and wish it were you
It brings me down."
Pisces Woman, June 2005:
You may be shocking people with your new found assertiveness. What's got into you? I think you like it and you may be willing to use it the wrong way for revenege. People take advantage of your good nature adn the planets have lined up to help you with wrath.
Libra Woman, June 2005:
You are the most stubborn of the bunch. You have the need to get everything done and done right now! Oh-and done Your Way. Watch your words, they may get you into trouble.
I know a girl
She puts the color inside of my world
But she's just like a maze
Where all of the walls continually change
And I've done all I can
To stand on her steps with my heart in my hands
Now I'm starting to see
Maybe it's got nothing to do with me
I've never listened to a morning radio show and have it actually have an impact on my life.
Today, they were talking about relationship flaws. One of the radio show women was talking about how she usually feels like she has a hard time trusting people, and so when she's in a relationship, and feels like she's getting too close, she'll sabatoge the relationship. Sort of a "You're going to hurt me, so I'm going to destroy this before that happens" kind of defense mechanism.
I totally relate to that. In fact, I did it a week and a half ago. I've always realized I've had a pattern in relationships, but that made me realize why I do what I do. I've come to a lot of realizations this week. I'm headed to the huge library in downtown LA this weekend to do some serious research on this, and how to fix it.
Another thing she said that kind of hit home is that you repeat your pattern, and you may realize it, and kinda think about changing it, but you probably won't take action until you do it to someone, and then realize they're worth it. I usually let things go. So why am I going to the library this weekend? Because she's worth it. But what do you do when you realize she's worth it, and she realizes you're probably not?
Whatever. I'm going to do this for me this time. So that I can have a healthy relationship down the line. I'd love for it to be her. I'd love to have her care and support along the way. And I'd love to help motivate her in her own life changes. But I don't see her allowing that anytime soon.
What can you say at a time like this? When every thing's tenative, and any little breath can tip the scales toward one direction or the other, but you're not sure which until the end result has come? I've been balancing on these scales for some time now, so I've turned quite purple due to oxygen deprivation. Worry not, I'm still here, still keeping up, and the face of the earth looks lovely from down below, thanks.
A lot of things have failed in my life recently, and many things have prospered. Still more have just begun. My emotions are a swirled into a mass of confusion, so that I can't even sort out my thoughts to post them here. This weekend will be spend sequestered with cleaning supples, a to-do list, and a busy mind. The past, the present, and the future have all thrust themselves on me at once, and I need to sort out what belongs where, and clearly define the overlap. Cobwebs be gone, there's still time for spring cleaning, both literally and figuratively.
There are people in my life I am grateful for. There are people in my life I wish I saw more of. And there are people in my life that I'm worried about. Perhaps those deliniations may not be clear to those to whom they are intended, but they are felt, and if you even have a ghost of a thought that you are one, you are.
I have a keening for art and politics, and life has once again put them on hold. I will conquer the beast, and appease my raging Piscean spirit, who has been as neglected as the dying orchid on my desk.
And that is my life.
My life has been full of unexpected changes recently, and I've been torn between feeling like everything is right on track, and feeling like everything is just slipping out of my grasp.
My living situation has abruptly changed. The lease was held solely in my roommate's name, and we live in a neighborhood that's very run down, but right next door to a very desirable neighborhood. My roommate has had numerous problems with the management company, and problems with people being very loud into the wee hours of the night right below her window, in the courtyard. A week prior to last Friday, she informed me that she had decided to give up the apartment, and I had three weeks to find a place. I was a bit stunned, to say the least. I was given no advanced warning, and wasn't even aware that she was looking for a place. Luckily for me, I found a beautiful four bedroom house in a gated community just 8 miles from my job.
However, therein lies change number two. I have not been notified of a definite end date to my contract, but I am a contract employee. The woman I'm covering for returns this coming Monday, just one week from today. I have found out from a reliable source that the boss likes me, and would like me to stick around, but ultimately, if the big boss doesn't open up another position in this department, she has no say.
Therefore, I got myself a job interview as a billing supervisor at a rehab center in South Pasadena, which is perhaps 15 miles from my new home. They absolutely adored me, and I have a second interview on Thursday. I'm more than a little stressed, as this time I'll be meeting with the owner, the district billing manager, and the administrator.
All of the related stress has caused me to be more critical of my life, and become a bit insecure. Instability always has me second guessing my life, and this time my relationship has falled prey to this. I know that she cares for me, and I know we're wonderful for each other, and I could never ask for more in a partner, except for perhaps more alone time. But my stress and current instability keep me questioning her motives and goals in the situation, which has lead us to plenty of unwarrented arguments. I feel especially guilty about this, since she's feeling a little stagnant at the moment, putting her at the polar opposite of my plight, but still under equal stress. I hope that a couple days of downtime will right us both, and we'll be golden by the weekend, because man, I adore that girl like woah.
I'm creating three zines which are very audience participation. If you'd like to participate in any of these three projects, please comment, or email me at firstname.lastname@example.org. Feel free to pass this along to your friends.
1. I'm recruiting typically feminine women. You don't have to wear dresses all the time or have long hair, but women that have never been mistaken for anything but women. For this project, I'll be asking these women to dress as men (as close to passing for a man as possible) for one day. Then, I will ask that they create something that is representative of their experience. I can be a photograph, a story, a poem, a painting; anything that they feel captures their experience.
2. I am collecting anonymous secret letters. These are the letters you write to your ex that you'll never send, telling them how wonderful/awful/crazy/beautiful they are. The letters you write to your mom telling her how much you love her/hate her/hate it when she buys you ugly sweaters. The letters you write to the waitress at the diner/girl on the bus/boy in your class. The letters you write to the President, to your garbage man, to yourself. Letters that you can't send/won't send/don't know where to send. I will not print any names, and you can send them to me anonymously. They can be sad, angry, trite, funny, or a little of all.
3. I will be sending out envelopes containing approximately 15 words of Magnetic Poetry. Using only these words, you will create a poem, which you will write on a piece of paper. You will put this paper in a separate envelope, and include it in the package, which you will then send on to someone else of your choosing. That person will then, without looking at the paper in your envelope, create their own poem from the same words. Then, they can remove your paper from the envelope, and add theirs to it, sending it on to the next person, etc. When it reaches 5 or 6 people, they will then send it back to me.